All of our childhood, we are taught to do as we are told, respect our elders, not complain… We don’t create our own boundaries as they are usually set by our parents, as they should be. Our childhood is about learning, growing and becoming the people we are meant to be. Once you’re an adult though, you can set your own boundaries. Sounds simple enough, right? Wrong.
A huge reason for feeling overwhelmed, anxious, depressed, etc. Is because we are living life by somebody else’s set of rules. I’ve been an adult for a fair few years, and one of the weirdest things I’ve noticed is most of the time, I don’t view myself as an adult. I assume people around me know better so when people are telling me something is the ‘right’ way of doing things or they are expecting things from me, it’s surely because they know more. The truth is, that isn’t the case at all.
We are all finding our way through life and learning new things every day. There isn’t a single person on this planet who knows everything and will never make a mistake. This is why, as we go through life, we need to be comfortable with setting (and expressing) our own boundaries.
So let’s break it down…
Work - The good news is, most jobs we go for offer a contract that explicitly outlines what the job role entails and what you will be expected to do. Make sure you’re ok with it before you sign it as afterwards, there’s not much you can do to change it. Obviously you can request changes, but it’s best to not count on that. If something is in the contract that you aren’t sure about, ask about it before you sign it to see if they can amend it and then you can weigh up whether it’s for you or not. If your boss tries to ask for more than your contract and something you aren’t comfortable with, you can say no. There is a fear that they may try to sack you or threaten to replace you, but that would be incredibly unethical from them as you are fulfilling your contract; they would be the ones breaking it. Anyway, let’s not get into employment law. The point is, at work,d don’t get sucked into becomin a dumping ground for other people. Colleagues may ask for favours which as a once of may be harmless enough, but if it becomes repetitive, can lead to burnout. Sething boundaries with work also means for yourself. Set yourself a cut off point and make sure to take your holiday’s. They are there for a reason and you not using them won’t benefit you in the long run.
Friends - Setting boundaries with friends can mean how far you’re willing to help them. You want to have friendships with people that you can be honest with. For me, a boundary is respect. I won’t continue with a friendship if my “friend” starts trying to gaslight me or blame me for their choices. Every conversation you have with friends especially, should be positive. You may disagree on certain things but that shouldn’t cause a fallout as it shouldn’t particularly impact your relationship. If you don’t like eating out a certain restaurant and they do, you can find a place that you both like. That’s compromise.
Family - This can be the hardest area of life to set boundaries. There are family members who believe they can get away with anything and everything just because they are related. That’s simply not true. Your life is exactly that; YOUR life. It can be unpleasant to set boundaries with family members, especially if they were an adult when you were a child, but it’s still important. Try and have a conversation with them about it when the opportunity presents itself (i.e. if they are pushing you to do something, or expecting you to do something to appease them). Hopefully they take it well, and if they don’t that’s ok too. Give them time to cool off and come back to you. If they truly care, they will do their best to understand why you have those boundaries.
That’s the point of boundaries after all. It’s to help you surround yourself with the right kind of people so that you can continually grow. If you are surrounded by people who will push and pull you around all the time, you won’t get anywhere. Plus, you’d be pretty miserable as you wouldn’t be doing things that are calling you. A number of people lose themselves in that way as they end up living their life for other people.
Equally, it’s important to remind yourself that your boundaries shouldn’t confine you. Don’t stay in your comfort zone permanently. There are the three zones: comfort, stretch and panic. We want to try and be in the ‘stretch’ zone as much as possible so make sure your boundaries are about protecting your mental health and not just avoiding things you are scared of.
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